It's My Party

we’ve been together for five years today. so much has happened. let’s discuss.

-we became one on this day, 2005.
-then big don showed up and ruined everyone’s good time, like she does.
-i felt that we were intertwined. in every every square inch of you, i saw me…. yet, i still saw you.
-we had countless parties.
-the merkels slept over.
-rust fungus claimed our favorite sneaks and jeans.
-you saw me at my worst.
-you saw me at my best.
-you saw me without clothes.
-i painted you with neutral browns.
-you painted me with less sailing trips.
-we had a 14ft xmas tree.
-i hung tasteful pics on our walls.
-you welcomed me home after red eyes.
-mitch never came to visit like you said he wouldn’t.
-there was more karaoke and dance dance revolution than one could’ve ever hoped for.
-jesus spreaders banged on the front door on saturday mornings (while we cursed them from inside and then ripped on them for their dumb reading materials after.)
-chris was really concerned about the two-story fireplace. but it worked out ok. so far.
-we reveled in halloween for as long as we could.
-our neighbors were loud and weird. but you always reminded me that they meant well.
-the landscaper always came when we didn’t need him to.
-sarah and chop came over to kick it all off with some good fist pumping.
-we barely swam in the garden tub. because tubbing is weird.
-the front porch has seen cigarettes.
-the back patio has seen bourbon.
-we seriously never needed that dumb extra space over the garage.
-august was always our time to go scare the moms away from the neighborhood pool.
-g and g of ggh were always really nice and flirty. but selections kim was always a giant b*tch. (she was always so jealous of us. she seriously thought we had a catwalk over the entry. i mean what? she was such an idiot.)
-remember that time the single blond lawyer chick moved in next door and was really really mean? she still totally sucks. we should hate her more because she’s so unpleasant towards us. perhaps we’ll just continue to annoy her with our charm from time to time because surely it bugs her more than anything since we’re so amazing at chinese water torture.
-anyway, it ruled when it was just us and a small contingent of neighbors. and google maps showed all kinds of vacant surrounding land.
-you always smelled so “new house fragrant”.
-we had 15 boxwoods. that was great. we so loved boxwoods.
-max seriously loved it here.
-bella tracked the sofa when she was learning to walk.
-rosie mainly just slept here in her early days.
-the new little niece probably won’t get to play the mini guitar here.
-you know how you were able to keep the wolf spiders in the garage? that ruled. thanks for doing that.
-don’t ever allow the basement racquetball tennis pong to stop. keep that going for bob’s sake.
-you taught me so much about power tools and studs.
-we could usually see tim hagan and kate mulgrew sometimes out the front windows since they lived one street over.
-your white painted trim was always stunning.
-sorry i screwed up the hardwood stairs thing. luckily matt let us have those nickel knobs to compensate.
-i’ve loved just about every minute with you.
-you’ve been as perfect as you could be.

thanks for being my custom build, beatrice. the last five years have been the most unique experience of my life. go easy on the new people, ok?

love,
rachel

i challenge you to listen and/or watch this song’s video and not be completely mellow. if you do not in fact find yourself completely mellow, please do let me know. (well, maybe let a doctor know. you may require psychological attention. i can help you in a great many situations, but sadly, i cannot help you there.)

the video should truthfully confuse you. upon completion of watching the video, you should find yourself both mellow and slightly confused. (google this video i keep talking about. i’m done providing you with information.)

some people appear to be having seizures in the car ahead based on their braking habits. have you noticed? it goes a little something like this:

going….going.. going…….brake! going…brake! going………brake!! going….going….brake! going…

what the h is wrong up there? you know? seriously, person. it’s like you’re broadcasting a seizure via brake lights and i’m unfortunately being forced to partner with you during said madness. and this concerns me. not only does it make you look like an unstable dumbass, but it also causes me to fear for the safety of my white a4′s well-being. because i can’t just go easily pick up another should the need arise. this current car is probably pretty much unavail. trust me, seizure braker, if you cause any sort of separation between rachel fitz and car, you’ll wish you were never born. really.

i know what you’re thinking – i should probably be more concerned with the health and safety of person x and their apparent seizure car ahead, and less concerned with the safety of my vehicle. well, you’re wrong. the safety of that car is more important than my own health. if it came down to the car needing $1000 worth of preventive maintenance vs me needing any sort of physical/medical anything, that 1k allocation is definitely going directly into the car. because i’m not trying to live until i’m 90, readers. hopefully the sweet embrace of death will come and bear hug me sometime during my fabulous 50s. i’m seriously not interested in seeing what this party looks like at 90.

anyway, the car is my fave, yes. you get that. that’s not my point. my point is that people who apply their brake at cruel and unusual intervals need to stop. take a sec and realize that you look like a moron, AND, you’re stupid and don’t know how to drive. learn how to ease off the gas. and while you’re doing that, pay a little attention to the car ahead (or behind). because if you cause the early retirement of anyone’s perfect little white car, you yourself might be faced with an unexpected early “retirement”.

but let’s not end on an “i’ll kill you” note. let’s end on this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEOduk5xoZo