-we became one on this day, 2005.
-then big don showed up and ruined everyone’s good time, like she does.
-i felt that we were intertwined. in every every square inch of you, i saw me…. yet, i still saw you.
-we had countless parties.
-the merkels slept over.
-rust fungus claimed our favorite sneaks and jeans.
-you saw me at my worst.
-you saw me at my best.
-you saw me without clothes.
-i painted you with neutral browns.
-you painted me with less sailing trips.
-we had a 14ft xmas tree.
-i hung tasteful pics on our walls.
-you welcomed me home after red eyes.
-mitch never came to visit like you said he wouldn’t.
-there was more karaoke and dance dance revolution than one could’ve ever hoped for.
-jesus spreaders banged on the front door on saturday mornings (while we cursed them from inside and then ripped on them for their dumb reading materials after.)
-chris was really concerned about the two-story fireplace. but it worked out ok. so far.
-we reveled in halloween for as long as we could.
-our neighbors were loud and weird. but you always reminded me that they meant well.
-the landscaper always came when we didn’t need him to.
-sarah and chop came over to kick it all off with some good fist pumping.
-we barely swam in the garden tub. because tubbing is weird.
-the front porch has seen cigarettes.
-the back patio has seen bourbon.
-we seriously never needed that dumb extra space over the garage.
-august was always our time to go scare the moms away from the neighborhood pool.
-g and g of ggh were always really nice and flirty. but selections kim was always a giant b*tch. (she was always so jealous of us. she seriously thought we had a catwalk over the entry. i mean what? she was such an idiot.)
-remember that time the single blond lawyer chick moved in next door and was really really mean? she still totally sucks. we should hate her more because she’s so unpleasant towards us. perhaps we’ll just continue to annoy her with our charm from time to time because surely it bugs her more than anything since we’re so amazing at chinese water torture.
-anyway, it ruled when it was just us and a small contingent of neighbors. and google maps showed all kinds of vacant surrounding land.
-you always smelled so “new house fragrant”.
-we had 15 boxwoods. that was great. we so loved boxwoods.
-max seriously loved it here.
-bella tracked the sofa when she was learning to walk.
-rosie mainly just slept here in her early days.
-the new little niece probably won’t get to play the mini guitar here.
-you know how you were able to keep the wolf spiders in the garage? that ruled. thanks for doing that.
-don’t ever allow the basement racquetball tennis pong to stop. keep that going for bob’s sake.
-you taught me so much about power tools and studs.
-we could usually see tim hagan and kate mulgrew sometimes out the front windows since they lived one street over.
-your white painted trim was always stunning.
-sorry i screwed up the hardwood stairs thing. luckily matt let us have those nickel knobs to compensate.
-i’ve loved just about every minute with you.
-you’ve been as perfect as you could be.

thanks for being my custom build, beatrice. the last five years have been the most unique experience of my life. go easy on the new people, ok?

love,
rachel

the video should truthfully confuse you. upon completion of watching the video, you should find yourself both mellow and slightly confused. (google this video i keep talking about. i’m done providing you with information.)

going….going.. going…….brake! going…brake! going………brake!! going….going….brake! going…

what the h is wrong up there? you know? seriously, person. it’s like you’re broadcasting a seizure via brake lights and i’m unfortunately being forced to partner with you during said madness. and this concerns me. not only does it make you look like an unstable dumbass, but it also causes me to fear for the safety of my white a4′s well-being. because i can’t just go easily pick up another should the need arise. this current car is probably pretty much unavail. trust me, seizure braker, if you cause any sort of separation between rachel fitz and car, you’ll wish you were never born. really.

i know what you’re thinking – i should probably be more concerned with the health and safety of person x and their apparent seizure car ahead, and less concerned with the safety of my vehicle. well, you’re wrong. the safety of that car is more important than my own health. if it came down to the car needing $1000 worth of preventive maintenance vs me needing any sort of physical/medical anything, that 1k allocation is definitely going directly into the car. because i’m not trying to live until i’m 90, readers. hopefully the sweet embrace of death will come and bear hug me sometime during my fabulous 50s. i’m seriously not interested in seeing what this party looks like at 90.

anyway, the car is my fave, yes. you get that. that’s not my point. my point is that people who apply their brake at cruel and unusual intervals need to stop. take a sec and realize that you look like a moron, AND, you’re stupid and don’t know how to drive. learn how to ease off the gas. and while you’re doing that, pay a little attention to the car ahead (or behind). because if you cause the early retirement of anyone’s perfect little white car, you yourself might be faced with an unexpected early “retirement”.

but let’s not end on an “i’ll kill you” note. let’s end on this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEOduk5xoZo

there were a number of things that crossed my mind this month as potential posts. there was that day when i received a certified letter from the big scary state – for almost no reason at all. then there was my disdain for all things family. i toyed with a post on how much of my brain is inactively storing and retrieving song lyrics from almost every song from almost ever. there was a little something on how much better angry sex is vs regular. another idea relating to brain power and how much more i’m still managing to use compared to others even though so much capacity seems to harbor useless song lyrics. sometimes i thought a bit on attractive anderson flooring was in order. there was the tiki hut thing. i wanted to discuss owls at some point. and then of course, there was july surprise.

so i think i’ll share the recipe for july surprise – my special summer cocktail creation. a post brimming with my thoughts on various subjects would be tremendous, but i decided to keep some things to myself instead.

rachel’s fitzwater
(aka: july surprise)

-one can frozen minute maid raspberry lemonade concentrate
-one 750 ml bottle of ruby red absolut (the grapefruit stuff)
-one stylish glass pitcher
-those little black cocktail straws from target
-a dedicated willingness to pour alcohol into one’s head

empty the frozen concentrate into the stylish pitcher and mash it up with a spoon. then add 2 and 3/4 cups of water (using the can from the concentrate) and mix well. if you’re daring and/or not afraid of a little vodka in your drink, add the bottle of ruby red to the highly concentrated mixer you just created and then serve over ice in a rocks glass with a little black drink straw. (or, be a nancy and mix 2 parts to 1 and potentially sidestep any of the wonders of alcohol. it’s obviously your call.) i also do highly recommend shaking 1 to 1 with ice in a cocktail shaker. you just cannot beat a good frothy foam.

so there you have it, sprinkles. the july issue of rachel fitzwater magazine.

i’m apparently very pictoral these days. in this case, please accept my apologies.

of all the matches in my collection – these are the best.

love,
rachel

i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t ecstatic about the snapping of this pic – we’re all familiar with my track record here. i just have a soft spot for these zany, adventurous cialis tubs. what can i do. they find themselves in the most curious of situations. (like rainforests.)

so… given the nature of the pill, what the h are these people doing in separate tubs? come on, cialis people. get in the same tub. it would make things much easier. trust me. i know. (about tubs. not cialis. as far as i know.)

porn titles. not porn watching. (i’m not a dude.)

sometimes when i’m sitting before a television scanning through hundreds of channels of useless programming, i’ll end up browsing the porn titles. just browsing, nothing more. the actual watching of porn is for dudes. porn titles however, pure entertainment.

“tiger’s got wood!” is just one fine, timely example of the creativity that’s involved when it comes to naming a porn-o. “baby got back 46″, “stick it in deep 4″, “freshman sex 7″, “totally busted”, “amateur perv”, “camel toe hot 2″, “art gallery sex sluts”, “bounce my jugs 2″, and “bang me i’m legal” are just a few other great examples. “baby got back 46″? yes. there were apparently 45 preceding baby got backs.

so try browsing porn titles sometime. it’s completely acceptable. just don’t order any of it. then you’ll be creepy.

i had all but forgotten about it when someone just reminded me that i had once posted a picture that showed a slight bit of my crack, so i had to go back and take a look at what i was thinking when that happened. (turns out i was really mad about having had just completed a 10 mile canoe trip that left me bruised, and, had taken up a ton of my life that i was obviously never going to get back.)

while meandering down memory lane, i also found a drunk episode, a buzzed episode, quirky stories from long ago, quirky stories from not so long ago, pictures of stuff, pictures of things, lists galore, a few phone-ins, and this:

i want to see pictures of you at the ages of 5,7,9,11,14,18,21. i want to know what you’ve got loaded on your mp3 player. i want to cuddle with you by the fire on the evening following especially seasonal holiday activities. i wonder what you’re doing right now. i want to be aimless in stores with you. i don’t want to just be a friend. i want to be with you most hours of my life. i want my heart to stop racing because you make it do that. i want to bottle the nervous/anxious/excited/calm your presence brings. i want to take you to my reunions. i want to travel everywhere with you. i bet you wouldn’t want to kill the giant spiders either. i want to be the one you call as soon as the plane lands. i want to braise meats and veggies for you. i want to get snowed in while we’re visiting your parents. i want to watch as mine fall in love with you. i wonder if you caught that song like i did. i wish i could remember what life was like before you. i want us to (blank) (blank) in the (blank). i want to sleep in your pajama top. i want to give you an alias so we can crash open houses on sundays.

this was the first ever straight from the heart writing i had ever done in my life. something caused me to dig deep and really get it out somewhere in public. (because public is the only way to come clean?) and then it went unnoticed and sat dormant for quite a while. and then one day, it was finally noticed. i actually recall going in and making edits beforehand due to me believing some of the original content was too “risque”… which was incorrect… it definitely wasn’t now that i know what i know. the original copy is actually very amusing… i digress.

“i want my heart to stop racing because you make it do that.” – how many people truly feel this towards you in life that you know of? pretty amazing i say.