It's My Party

remember bob and sue? well, they’re doing great. and, i have yet another fun tale regarding them. in case you were wondering, they did close on the sale of their house to famous people on the lake and then like, 3 minutes later, closed on the purchase of their new house. i couldn’t have orchestrated a better turn of events if i tried. oh wait… i did. that was because of me.

anyway, i left them a bottle of their favorite brut in the new house refrigerator along with a cute little note and realtor pen with my wonderful face on it (because they were quite vocal on just how much they liked my wonderful face, uh-thank-you). we’re scheduled to have a little dinner in the new house soon and i couldn’t be more thrilled to dine with such lovely people. seriously. i heart these two. a lot.

so the story… apologies. what good would this site be without tangents…  sue and i got to talking on one of the fine afternoons where i caught them day drinking and we discovered that she and i both have a thing for bourbon.  she tells me that she likes something called ‘early times’. i voice my interest and lack of knowledge on the brand and then proceed to tell her about ‘evan williams’ and how delicious it is. (for your informations, it’s roughly $11 and wins all kinds of whiskey awards for being so good and so cheap all at the same time.) so, sue hasn’t heard of mr. evan, but she does insist that i try the early times with her. obviously i do. and, it’s weak. and, they sell it on the shelves of your local grocery store. it’s *that* stuff. right beside whatever cheap vodka it is that grocery stores stock. i didn’t know this at our tasting. i later discovered it when i was buying those little baileys travelers for my first ever camping trip. i was trying to tell sue about $11 stuff and she was trying to tell me about $7 stuff.  silly me…

anyway, should you require it, the early times is cheap, weak, and readily available. and, sue effing loves it. she’s like 87 *and* has a college degree. i kinda feel like we should trust her. also, it seems that i spend quite a bit of time with these two late 80-somethings. well, i do. they day drink. constantly. who can’t use 87yr-old day drinkers in their life? don’t act like you can’t.

the commercials specify that it’s best not to even handle the drug if you’re a female, and i find this to be slightly terrifying. i think they actually say ‘nursing or pregnant’, but still. the basic message is this: don’t even handle this pill with your skin if you’re a chick. because you and your unborn child could die. ok, roger… 10-4. thanks for the excellent safety tip.

instead of the cruel and unusual airport security screenings, i feel like we should be more fearful of a ‘male prostate drug’ terror campaign.  just get a bunch of women to handle these crazy little pills… and while we’re on that topic, i think we actually lost the war on terror some time ago. islamic zealots succeeded in making all americans both look and act extra stupid on a daily basis. and probably for many years to come.

think about the airport screening that they’ve now forced each american to undergo every time he or she takes a flight. they’ve turned us into cattle monkeys that disrobe for the purposes of  boarding an air bus so that we can get to disney to see cinderella and mickey.

by law, you now have to single file it through the line so that you can get to the front and then proceed to remove your shoes, belt, jacket, sweater, and jewelry, and put them in a bin.  then, place your laptop in a bin. then, put your ID away (unless it’s airport type f, then keep it out. there’s no way to know though so, wait for them to yell at you). have your boarding pass out, and only hold it in your left hand. but if it’s thursday, use your right hand. next, cram as many 3 oz travel-sized toiletries possible into a quart-sized plastic zip baggie and then put that in a bin. hopefully your mango-mandarin body spray will leak out and coat everything in a pleasantly scented grease. once you’ve completed these tasks, you may slowly walk through the metal detectors or x-ray machines at the command of your local, blank-stare, lesbian TSA agent.

i don’t know. i think we look stupid with these futile travel exercises. seems highly unlikely that we would be attacked with airplanes again. but, we don’t know that for sure so we will be forced to continue to resemble cattle, probably forever. well played, islamic zealots. well played.

and yeah, don’t touch avodart if you’re a girl. i can’t imagine what would happen to our way of life if these male prostate pills were to be used against us.