It's My Party

it’s true. we do. but we rarely ever buy it. because ice-cream gives us heartburn.

and… what am i talking about. i’ll tell you – the ice-cream aisle at the grocery store. you know it well. it’s freezing. it’s glorious. it’s a rainbow of colors. and, it’s really really unfortunate if you’re rachel fitz and boyfriend, two really lovely kids who would both really really like to enjoy the cool creamy treats that the aisle teases them with on a regular basis. which by the way, isn’t weekly. because a) we don’t grocery shop together regularly. b) weekly would just be cruel. and c) we only really do this when we’re looking for something different to do. and since we both strangely enjoy milling around grocery stores, we figured why not work it into our fun schedule. because we kinda think it’s fun there. is that weird?

as far as we can tell, he and i are both with ulcer. we haven’t been to a “doctor” or anything, but this one time, a lady at his company told him that you’re probably fine as long as dairy products don’t give you heartburn. so, we’re pretty sure we don’t need a second opinion or anything. because dairy gives us heartburn, that means we have ulcers.

we gave in to temptation recently and got oreo blizzards from dairy queen (because of the blizzard fan club. they email coupons to us) and we were both really nauseous for just about the entire period of the next 12 hours. and let me tell you, it was tremendous. and don’t even try to tell us about rice cream or soy shakes. the choices we’re given from this realm of frozen vegan enjoyables (just made that up) leaves us almost entirely underwhelmed. as in, we couldn’t be less amused.

so, in lieu of actually consuming creamy treats now, we just visit them in the frosty aisle and imagine the wonder that could be. (but can’t.) i find that i’m drawn to chocolate chip anything and ice-cream sandwiches. because how gorgeous are those things? he seems to have a crush on high-end gelato and really anything haagen daz dangles before him. and i can’t argue with that. have you tried their strawberry? i’ll be honest, sometimes it’s worth the pain for me depending on whether i can afford to be ill or not.

you know how it is – if you have to meet with the tricky, astute, charming 70yr old client from north carolina in the near future, you’ll probably want to be in top form since she’ll drill you pretty thoroughly for what will seem like an eternity… otherwise, if it’s just going to be a cozy sweatshirt night by the firepit with bf, go crazy. you’ll survive. probably. we could ask the lady that works for him if you want. she seems pretty knowledgeable on the subject.

sometimes i have really interesting dreams. and sometimes, my dreams are kind of random and contain occurrences that cause me to wonder if i’m truly “well”. i’ll give you some examples so you can follow along.  because there’s no way anyone could just imagine anything near what i’m thinking about here.

from the past few months, i can remember a few of the randoms.  they stuck out because they were so weird and nonsensical that i’m still wondering where these dreams were conjured from. clearly there are depths in my mind and clearly these depths are full of just about everything i’ve ever encountered in life. try these two on for size:

1. i was rollerskating in a basement with my 4yr-old niece and a really good gay friend from college. not only were we rollerskating, but it was taking place in an unfinished basement. we were rollerskating around in circles in this full, unfinished basement. just the three of us. listening to eddie money “take me home tonight”, singing it as loud as we could. also, i believe we were all wearing the same red t-shirt that we all obtained from the same store.

2. i was at a walgreens-type of drugstore searching for those colorful, breakable, pretty standard xmas ball decorations for a tree. while inside, a couple of my long lost friends from childhood showed up and wanted to borrow my car so they could go buy movie-theatre candy and beer (obviously). i said no because i needed to head home for reasons unknown. i then left the walgreens and got into my car and drove away. when i finally arrived at my destination and got out of the car, i was in vegas circa 1971 in front of the sands, with tony orlando. and he was like, “hey you! what’s up?”

right, so… my dreams can be pretty random. and aside from me being strange, what’s the point already… well, there had been a recurring dream about three threes. i kept dreaming about three threes, but nothing else from these dreams was sticking with me. all i could remember was the three threes. so, i finally googled it. and as it turns out, the three threes can actually be tied back to a book – the aphorisms of the three threes – and that’s about it. well, actually, it also leads you to an australian site for the family-owned company that produces vegemite. but luckily i found something in this regard that i could sink my teeth into. the three threes actually are something. and, something i personally would find to be very interesting.

it’s a book that was published long ago. so long ago in fact that it’s now available free online. i found it. i downloaded it. i read it. and, it was enjoyable. because guess what? it’s a book full of what can best be described as wise quotes. and you know me… i love quotes. the wiser the better.

here’s a smattering of what you’ll find on its vintage pages:

• it is not in being deceived that we are pained; it is in being undeceived.
• he that goes into debt makes himself the slave of the future.
• a woman never sincerely hates a man whom she has not loved.
• our best wish for a friend would be – not that he might never have a disappointment, but – that he might never have a disappointment that might not be for his good.
• arm wit with sneers and you have sarcasm.
• patience is the noblest form of courage.
• to be kind is to be wise.
• there is always luck in a little ill-luck.
• our fears furnish our hopes with wings.
• the more men deceive others, the more they deceive themselves.
• wit is wisdom’s playground.

so like i said, i have weird dreams. but this three threes thing was pretty neat. it directed my attention to a really old book that contained the scotch-enhanced thoughts of some really intelligent people. pretty good dream all in all. and, very, very interesting that my dream led me to a really, really old book. and vegemite.

i get carded a lot. and when the person locates my birth year and takes note of my age, they usually gasp. this is typical of the older people at the liquor store, “holy sh*t! that’s the year i graduated!” and then i’m like, “wow. no way. just give me the bottle already.” or worse, someone in the line who’s waiting to pay gets involved. and they’re like, “well, how old are you?” and then obviously i have to respond with something outlandish like, “oh, i’m 46. bye.”

so i myself am always baffled at what it is that makes me look *that* young that it provokes purveyors of alcohol to card me. because i’m 31. i’ve been legal for ten years. i have a mortgage, a yard, ugly, annoying neighbors, and a self-employed pure commission sales job. why else would i be drinking?

i got the opportunity to dine with a good friend last night and our server was a really personable older woman. this is important to note because if you’re a really personable older person, i’m going to befriend you. (so at this point in the story, she and i were already old pals.) after i ordered my ciroc martini up, she asked to see my ID. she looked it over and then also was surprised by my age, but didn’t quite have the “lose your mind” reaction others have had. luckily. this was a higher-end place of business. also, what 20 year-old orders a fine, hard martini?

my dinner mate did not get carded, yet was the same age so i asked her what it was that made her decide to ask for the ID. plain as day, she says, “well you don’t have crow’s feet so there’s good reason to ask. you could be 24 by the looks of it.”

and then i made out with her. fyi.