It's My Party

i recently held an open house at a home where the cat was very aggressive. usually the cats hide or slink around or stare holes into the back of my head from a far. not this one. very vocal and very interested. in me. and my presence.

i didn’t know the cat’s name so i had to just go with “cat”.  also, i had no idea if it was a she or a him. and obviously that was a detail i didn’t require.

here are the things i said to one particular feline as it stalked me throughout its 2700 square feet of residential living space one sunday from 2 – 4pm.

• You’re sort of aggressive, cat.
• Listen cat, I don’t need your stupid hair all over my black sweater.
• You’re unusually vocal, you.
• Hey I know, just put your butt-hole in my face. Thx.
• Oh good. You’re gonna tangle around my legs. Tremendous.
• Hey cat, seriously. Get out of my face.
• Ok cat, we’ve got people coming in. Look alive. Or just lick yourself I guess.
• Ugh, cat. I just met you. I don’t want us to sit together.
• Cat, you’re skinny.
• Hey cat, where’s the scotch tape? Seriously. Rf needs to put up a sign.
• Your paws are huge, cat. What’s that about?
• Do you think we could maybe not spend the entire afternoon, all over each other?
• So cat, would I successfully be able to turn the tables here if I incessantly stalked you around this place instead of how we’re doing it now ?
• (Cat and I have a dance party when “evacuate the dance floor” comes on.)
• Ugh. Really. You don’t need to come over here.
• What. What can I help you with?
• Ok cat. That’s it.
• Fine. You just sit here then. I’ll move.
• Hey!! Haha. Just wanted to wake you.
• Cat. You’re killin me.
• There’ s no way you’re a chick. Chicks do not sit like that, cat.
• How are you seriously sleeping through this parade of people milling about your house? Cat. Hey, Cat. Hey…
• Cat, looks like our time together is just about over. I wish you the best. Its been real.
• Really cat? You’re not gonna say bye to me? After all that we’ve been through?

it didn’t. it literally slept through me clanging around and getting my stuff together as i prepared to leave. so then i slipped out the front door, made sure to extra slam it, and disappeared forever. and then went and lint-rolled my clothes for like an hour. can’t thank you enough, cats.